“I managed to do it on time, otherwise I don’t know how I would have passed this ban. When we asked for funding from the health department, they told us that it is a plastic surgery and we cannot finance it. Turns out, now it’s not just plastic surgery when you need it. When they talk about customs, which tradition are you and I [queers] interfering with?!”, — that’s how we started talking with Nika and we discussed the homophobic law of the Georgian Dream, because it has become the main problem of everyday life.

Nika is a conditional name. The trans man, whom you will get to know better from the article, is with his family, but still prefers to remain anonymous. The reason is the increased risk of aggressive, humiliating treatment in the face of the government’s openly queerphobic rhetoric, and protection from family concerns.

Years of a Hidden Identity

“Probably, I won’t say anything new – I had hidden and covered everything from the beginning. When I became aware of my sexual orientation, I also realized that no one should know, I didn’t know why, but I felt it”, – this is how he recalls the time when he started the path of self-determination.

Little by little, he prepared the ground, tested who he could tell, and so decided to share it with his classmate. However, as he says: “The secret remained a secret for a while, then the classmate told the other, and if both of them know, the story will soon spread.”

He remembers the 90’s, when he was 11-12 years old and didn’t know anything – neither terms, nor could he fully understand himself, and rumors about his identity were spreading. He started being bullied at school, pointing fingers, and although he knew he would not oppress anyone, he still considered the situation at that time dangerous and stressful.

“When others find out what you thought was a secret and call you out, ‘Aren’t you the one that loves this one?’ it’s emotionally difficult.” I was afraid, I didn’t know what would happen if they found out at home. However, until then I liked that school, I felt good, I studied well, but because the voice did not reach home, I decided to change the schools. I didn’t even know how the family would react if they found out.

My friend was like that too. They said that I should change, my family will not let me live, and when they finally found out, nothing has changed, they have a very good relationship. But you don’t know anything in advance.”

He says that in the new school they didn’t even pay attention to the level of education and he often saw street fights and cases of bullying. He remembers that at that time he himself “got bad” as a student and the change of school did not help the voices against him:

“Some guy came, looked at me and asked me, “Aren’t you that person?”. I started fighting, I said, “Are you okay?” Yes, I got hit, but I didn’t break. It’s good that others didn’t pay attention to this story, the topic died.”

He says that his attempts to not pay attention, to be calm and thus obtain a guarantee of safety, did not work. The same thing happened when he fell in love with someone for the first time, which made him think about his own identity.

“Calling home phones was common at that time. I heard the number, I was calling and there was no sound. Sometimes I would empty the gum package, put a letter inside and throw it in my bag. When they heard, two guys came, put me down and started “examining the case”. They told me, if you don’t rest, I will go to you. I didn’t even realize then that it was a threat, I spent it laughing. I insisted, I wasn’t there. Another time, a group of girls met me, they threatened to beat me, and I solved it with laughter. It was only later when I discovered WISG and Identity that they helped me realize that I had been the target of threats many times.”

Nika was about 20 years old when he met people with whom he could talk freely, sharing similar experiences.

In “Bali Chat” I met a half-Russian person who had come to Georgia for some time. After 12 midnight, messages were free and we were actively writing. He knew Georgian poorly, I knew Russian, but we could understand each other. The friendship lasted for quite a long time, until he returned to live in Russia. In the same period, I met others, there were five of us in total, we lived behind closed doors, we sat and talked sometimes”.

Safe Space Found in Community Organizations

He was about 25 years old when he discovered Women’s Initiatives Supporting Group, and then the organization “Identity”. He remembers, I attended all the trainings, all the movie screenings, I needed a lot of information and constantly asked questions.

“I asked questions to everyone who knew more than me, I was just interested, in the end they were already joking, and when I approached them, they asked me directly – “Well, what are you interested in?” No one was too lazy to share information. There are so many terms, it’s easy to get confused. When I came to the organization, I didn’t know much about my identity, there I learned more about myself and discovered my real identity. Where else would you get information, if organizations would publish manuals or share knowledge with you. Therefore, I am very angry that the government has crossed the line over so many years of work”, says Nika, adding that with their help, he learned what internalized homophobia is. He thought, wasn’t he a bit of a homophobe himself?

“For example, if I liked girls it was acceptable and I couldn’t understand how a boy could like a boy. But I admitted that I did not understand some things and I was ready to receive new information. To this day, there are many things that I don’t understand, but I listened to everything, I liked some things, some things I didn’t. I also read that internalized non-acceptance can pass and come back again, because even though I had a transition as my goal, I had a terrible depression at some point and I didn’t want anything anymore, so I gave up. What is it like to re-establish yourself at the age of 25, to go through a transition period again? In short, they told me that internalized homophobia is not going anywhere, it reminds us of itself”.

According to Nika, at that time he had the idea that a queer must be young, which he relates to the fact that he had a misconception that “there are no gays with us” or “it’s a phase, it will pass”. He still hadn’t thought about the fact that there were not only queers in the organization, that space also united supporters, he didn’t have much idea about identities and self-expression, and he stuck labels on people.

Although he did not have knowledge about many things, the offices of organizations and community meetings became the main spaces for self-expression and socialization for Nika. Every week, he spent two days in meetings and learned more and more.

“The screening of the film started at 7, I was already at Rustaveli at 6, and if I hadn’t arrived very early, I would have tried to go outside. I could not wait for when it would be left 10-15 minutes to enter. Once I was sitting on the balcony of WISG and thought that even if a meteorite fell on the earth, nothing would threaten me here. Now you can’t even think like that anymore, I don’t feel safe even where I grew up as a person where they never hesitated to help. That’s exactly how the state restricts me and how many people around me”, says Nika and remembers, we were like that during the 2013 march, we ran into each other, we didn’t expect that we would have to run away, we heard such promises, but we were still ready to be there.

“I was there in 2012 as well. I was stunned, I couldn’t understand what was happening. I knew that there was a rally, my people were going and I went. I was at the parliament, we had to go to the Kolmeurneoba. When we got to the exhibition, one boy was badly beaten, and then I realized how serious the matter was. And in 2013, I still didn’t know that we were dealing with people who knew how to lie. They put us on buses and let us go – they looked good in the eyes of the violent groups and showed Europe, “hey, no one died.” The right to assembly and demonstration was violated, for which they received an answer from Strasbourg. When we were running, we bumped into each other, at first the instinct of self-preservation kicks in, you run, but you remember others and start searching.”

We are told that for a year he went to organizations without his family knowing, but he thought it was suspicious to leave the house at the same time every week. Therefore, he told her mother that he was going to a feminist organization, because it sounded relatively easy. Later, on the initiative of his mother, “coming out” was also organized.

“I have episodes of depression from a young age, during one such period my mother asked me, what’s wrong with you? I’m sick, I want to express myself, dress the way I want, and my mother says that the clothes are too masculine or something. Some people say, why do I need to come out, while others also say that sometimes there is a situation when it is in your throat, you have no way out – that was me. In response to my mother’s question, I told her that something “was wrong” with me, and she could not help me. At the time, I still thought I needed help. I didn’t need to say more to my mother, she just asked me – “Are men good?” – she recalls and adds, coming out brings many “privileges”, at least you are free from fear, you don’t think that someone will tell your parents anymore, but time is needed, the moment of coming out needs to mature.

Nika says that her mother asked her not to say anything to her brother, but what did he know, she had already said it and he accepted it well. And his mother, although she didn’t react badly, had a long way to go before she became a much more supportive person, helped by Nika’s careful approach.

“When she heard, she left the room, turned around and told me, I can’t tell you that I am happy and excited. We couldn’t make eye contact, but even then, somehow, I deeply hoped for my family. Since I left coming out behind and this story didn’t even lead to a fight, I knew we had a long way to go. Besides, I already knew how to talk. I wasn’t going to bang my fist on the table or talk in a categorical tone. Little by little, I was going to settle the situation by talking. And my father, I don’t know where he learned to protect his personal space, but he didn’t ask me questions about my personal life, he didn’t wink at me”, shares Nika and says, I have come a long way with my mother, a few years ago we were even among the proud families of the Tbilisi Pride project, but he told me several times before that. refuse

Nika tells us that before “coming out” some people told her to face the facts, but he does not recommend the same to any of his friends – “That was not my way. I realized that my parents did not deserve such an approach. You should listen to the experience and think if it will be useful in your case as an example. I couldn’t ask for more from my parents. It’s the previous generation, they grew up differently, the influence of the environment is great, they still attach great importance to the opinion of their neighbors, so it is necessary to think a lot about the best way to talk.”

“I Don’t Want to Leave Home”

“In February 2012, I came to WISG without any knowledge and how many things have changed since then, queers were not even so important that the government declared our persecution to get votes as one of the main goals. At that time, it was hard to find an openly queer person who would talk about their rights and experiences in the first person.

During these years, many people scattered around me, how many left, most of them to Belgium, and many appeared and started talking openly about their experiences. The year 2013 brought the organizations to the opposite position, but I am grateful to all of them for their long work, for the fact that they are still trying to raise awareness,” he says and adds, “I can’t believe that we are threatened with restrictions, they are trying to silence everyone, to harass, and I don’t want to believe it. that it will work out. If my grandparents were telling Soviet news and I thought it was distant stories, I can’t believe that it is becoming a reality now – if the persecution of people was still relevant today, what would I think?!”.

Although he does not want to leave the country, he says that he does not see any other way if homophobic laws are adopted.

“I don’t want to leave, I have packed my luggage, I thought about leaving, but I want to stay here, I don’t want to leave home. I got to the point where I was terribly worried – I didn’t know how to start the transition process, what to do. If I was going through the process, if there were restrictions, I don’t know how I would have coped. In a better case, I would have left the country. I managed to do something good, but whoever wants it, was going to…

I know some of them personally – there is a trans boy, he worked in several jobs, he was adding white to white to have a medical procedure, now he has saved the money to go, even though he is studying well, he was going to build his future here, why does the state force him to go?!”.

Nika explains that many transgender people begin the transition process with hormone therapy because it is much cheaper, and some consider medical procedures as the next step, but the announced legislative changes have called this into question.

“You are already alone in the process of transition. The state stood aside, now they decided to establish control. Before I went through the transition, how many times I dreamed of when I would be worth it. How many videos have I watched where others were talking about their own experiences, when you prepare like this and suddenly you are faced with the fact that you can’t do it, it is forbidden, it hits you emotionally terribly. In this case as well, as in general, they have no idea about the issue, nor have they studied the risks and simply see the presence or absence of a person as a part of the election strategy. And now, you have to maintain stability and listen to the government representatives, who talk crazy things every day,” says Nika, telling about a trans girl who, after leaving the country, said the following: “I dressed as I wanted, went out, and no one paid attention to me, it turns out , it was happiness”.

Nick tells us, sometimes the reason for happiness is so simple, you just want to feel calm and safe in the daylight. But instead, you have to leave to be able to breathe, because of that you have to lose your family, your homeland and live with constant longing.

Although the current processes in the country make us think about the possible chilling reality for queer people, Nika hopes that first of all parents will understand that their children, who should influence the future of this country, speak another language and will try to learn their language.

He believes that the government is using the lack of acceptance in the society as a tool to turn the Western course, but he believes that manipulating the issue will not be so easy anymore.

“I often ask myself the question – “If I don’t miss the rally, vote on various issues and express solidarity, will those people stand by me?” I do all this because I think it is my duty, but you still think of a person. Hopefully, citizens will also ask themselves the question, “If the government is constantly talking about queer issues, is this an issue that concerns me?” does it bother me Or are they trying to manipulate me? I also hope that everyone will go to the elections and vote for the one who will be happy, but we will get rid of this government and we will not allow the next one to mess up the situation,” he says and adds the words that I will leave you at the end: “I am an irredeemable optimist, but I am vigilant.”