An open relationship refers to a relationship where there is an agreement between partners that allows them to develop additional romantic or sexual connections with other people.

Open relationships vary greatly depending on what specific couples consider acceptable in their relationship. The term “open relationship” is often used to describe ethical non-monogamy (ENM) relationships in general — relationships in which all parties involved, romantically or sexually, are informed and consent to this format of the relationship.

The term “open relationship” encompasses the full spectrum of ethical non-monogamy, which refers to any sexual and/or romantic relationship that involves more than one partner. These types of relationships require clear and informed consent from all parties involved in the sexual or romantic relationship.

Open relationships can also refer to swingers who experience sexual experimentation together by meeting other couples or individuals, or attending parties together where sexual activities are encouraged.

Alternatively, an open relationship can refer to two partners in a relationship who individually explore sexual experiences with others. They may have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding these experiences, or they may simply enjoy telling each other about their sexual adventures in order to further deepen their sexual and emotional intimacy.

The term “open relationship” often refers to a monoromantic partnership (where partners are romantically exclusive to each other) that is open to other sexual relationships. This means that partners in such a relationship are romantically monogamous with each other and prioritize their relationship over other relationships. They tend to avoid emotional and romantic connections with new partners and focus solely on sexual experiences — together or separately.

Do Open Relationships Work?

Open relationships can work well when both partners are interested in opening up their relationship or marriage. It’s important for such couples to have honest conversations about why they want to open up, and to make sure they’re doing so with the right motivation. This can be an ideal relationship form in cases where one or both partners enjoy receiving warmth and pleasure from their partner from others.

On the other hand, an open relationship is less successful when one of the partners is negative about this form of relationship or when communication between the partners is weak.

Forms of Open Relationships

There are many forms and subcategories of open relationships. The main types are considered to be swinging, open marriage, and polyamory:

• Swinging — Swinging refers to people — whether in a couple or alone — who attend sex parties and engage in sexual activities with more than one person. These relationships are primarily physical and sexual in nature and end after the sexual act is completed;

• Open marriage — An open marriage usually refers to a married couple whose members are free to have sexual relations with others, either together or separately. While some open marriages may involve multiple partners or emotional attachments, the primary romantic focus of such relationships is usually on the marriage itself. Emotional or romantic feelings for others may develop, but this is not the primary goal;

• Polyamory — Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy in which people engage in more than one romantic and/or sexual relationship, with mutual consent and full knowledge of the relationship. Unlike open marriages, polyamory openly acknowledges and encourages the possibility of loving more than one person at a time, often without hierarchy or primary or secondary partners. (Read our article for more information: Polyamory — Meaning, Types, Advice)

In addition to the main categories listed above, other forms of ethical non-monogamy include:

• Solo polyamory — Individuals who have multiple romantic or sexual relationships at the same time without seeking a “primary” or “cohabiting” partner. They value autonomy and typically live independently;
• Relationship anarchy is a philosophy that rejects hierarchy and labels in relationships. Relationship anarchists place equal value on all relationships — romantic, platonic, or sexual — based on individual agreements and mutual respect, rather than on predetermined roles.
• Hierarchical and non-hierarchical ethical non-monogamy — Some non-monogamous relationships are hierarchical, with the “primary” partner given special importance. Others are non-hierarchical, meaning that all partners are treated equally or with mutually agreed-upon importance.

These structures demonstrate that open relationships can be deeply individual, flexible, and adaptable to the needs and values of the people who create them.

What are the positive aspects of open relationships?

Open relationships can have a number of emotional, sexual, and personal benefits, including:

• Increased sexual self-expression and confidence;
• The opportunity to explore intimacy with a partner of more than one gender or type;
• Renewed or intensified sexual energy in the main relationship;
• Strengthening emotional intelligence and communication skills through open and respectful dialogue.

What are the possible downsides of open relationships?

At the same time, open relationships can come with challenges that require caution and attention, including:

• Increased risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) or other health risks;
• Jealousy, feeling insecure, or comparing yourself to others;
• A breakdown of trust in a core relationship if boundaries are not clear or are violated;
• Significant expenditure of time and energy on emotional processing, planning, and communication.

How Much Does an Open Relationship Suit You?

Any type of open relationship requires a solid foundation between partners. Such relationships require self-awareness, high levels of emotional intelligence, and a level of trust that can withstand moments of vulnerability or weakness.

A solid foundation in a relationship means that:

• You feel emotionally and physically safe with each other;
• You both feel comfortable with independence, personal autonomy, and maintaining your individuality;
• Your relationship is relatively low-conflict, you rarely or almost never have heated arguments or serious relationship problems;
• You can both have emotional self-regulation;
• You and your partner trust each other’s sincerity and willingness to fulfill mutually agreed-upon agreements;
• You have a satisfying sexual relationship (however you two define it);
• You are willing to talk about your emotions honestly and in a vulnerable way;
• You have a shared vision for how an open relationship might enrich your lives.

Some couples try to move into an open relationship when they are emotionally and/or sexually dissatisfied with their current relationship. In such cases, it is important to first work on the existing relationship and address the underlying issues. Starting an open relationship to avoid the deep work needed to improve your relationship with your partner usually ends in failure.

How to talk to your partner about wanting to open up your relationship?

If you think you want to open up about your relationship, it’s important to have a structured and thoughtful conversation. The idea of an open relationship can be scary, confusing, or make you feel like your partner doesn’t love/like you as much as they used to. To avoid hurt feelings and misunderstandings, let your partner know in advance that you want to have a serious conversation, and set aside a quiet, distraction-free time so you can fully dedicate your time and attention to each other.

Some tips that may be useful in such a conversation:

• Start by listing the positives — talk about all the things you love about your relationship and what you don’t want to change. Make it clear that you’re not leaving and that being open won’t devaluate or diminish your connection;
• Be clear about what you want and why — Think ahead about what you want from an open relationship and why it’s important to you and your relationship. Be clear about how you see an open relationship and what you want, but also leave room for your partner to ask questions and express their own thoughts. Speaking from an emotionally intelligent perspective will help your partner hear you and understand exactly what you want, why you want it, and what your motivations are;
• Don’t rush or rush your partner — it’s important to let the conversation flow at a natural pace. If your partner is emotionally overwhelmed or agitated, take a break and focus on calming them down — and only then return to the topic. Your partner won’t agree to such an important step if they don’t have enough time to think about your request and feel emotional clarity. You may have been thinking about this issue for a long time, but it may be completely new to your partner. Give them time to process what you’ve already talked about.

What Rules Can Exist in Open Relationships?

Clarifying prior agreements significantly reduces the risk of misunderstandings and increases the chances of maintaining trust in the future. Each couple should set their own rules and boundaries that are natural and comfortable for them.

Possible issues to be addressed may include:

• What level of sexual activity is acceptable? For example, are all forms of sex (oral, vaginal, anal) with other partners permissible, or is any of them unacceptable?
• Can you explore sexual experiences individually without a partner?
• How acceptable is repeated or long-term sexual intercourse with another person?
• Do you want to get to know each other’s partners or communicate with them?
• Which gender is acceptable for sexual intercourse with people?
• Is sex without a condom permissible? If not, is oral or manual sex considered an act that requires a condom or other protective barrier?
• Are there any restrictions on the use of substances (e.g., alcohol) during sexual activity?
• Should you share your sexual experiences with each other? If so, when? In what detail? Is the purpose of sharing to deepen the sexual connection, assess risks, or something else?
• What types of emotional connections are allowed with other partners? Are friendships allowed? And romantic relationships?

Setting expectations and boundaries is an important step toward making sure you understand the framework of your relationship and are both on the same page about what kind of adventure you’re embarking on together. Try not to make agreements too strict just because you think it’ll help you maintain your core connection. Instead, focus on your shared goal—how an open relationship can strengthen your bond and foster personal growth.

How often should you check in on each other’s emotional state and position?

Regular check-ins with each other are key to the success of an open relationship. Setting aside time to discuss both the logistics and the emotional state of your relationship can greatly reduce the risk of misunderstandings and breaches of trust. When you’re starting out in an open relationship, weekly or even daily check-ins with each other can be invaluable — even if you haven’t had any new sexual experiences.

Checking in on each other’s situation and position allows you to connect emotionally with your partner, express fears and concerns, plan practical details, and continue to develop your shared vision for an open relationship.

Open communication with secondary partners is also important, especially in polyamorous or non-hierarchical relationships. This will help you avoid situations where decisions affecting one partner are made without consulting them.

However, it is also essential to have separate time for honest communication between you and your primary (or cohabiting) partner. Actively “nurturing” the relationship by giving direct attention and making clear demands will help you maintain a positive emotional connection with your partner. This may seem like it takes a lot of time — and it will! However, communication is essential to the success of an open relationship.

If you’re not sure how to have a productive conversation with your partner(s) to check in, try this structure:

• Start with a physical connection. This could be a warm hug or any action that strengthens the bond between you and allows you to be together without any tension or pressure. This will help you start the conversation with closeness and trust, instead of fear or other negative emotions;
• Briefly outline what you plan to discuss. List both logistical and emotional issues so that partners know in advance what to expect from the conversation. If you feel like you don’t have time to talk about everything, prioritize and set aside time for the remaining topics;
• Before you start checking, clarify the rules of communication. Use “I” statements and talk about your feelings and emotions, especially around an issue that is emotionally charged. Do not follow your emotions when talking and clearly express what you want. You can ask your partners to repeat how they heard you, and clarify your position if necessary;
• Before you end the conversation, check in with each other again. Make sure everyone has covered the topic and is satisfied with the conversation. If not, set up another meeting to continue the conversation. Before the conversation ends, take time to reconnect physically, such as with a hug — the feeling of such check-ins is just as important as the logistical or other outcomes of the conversation.

Signs of Problems in an Open Relationship

Just like in any other relationship, open dynamics can have challenges that are important to recognize early on.

Common signs that there is a problem include:

• One of the partners is constantly jealous, anxious, or feels left out;
• Frequent miscommunication or avoidance of talking about difficult topics;
• Breach of agreements or change of terms of agreement without mutual consent;
• Feeling of inequality — when one partner’s needs, boundaries, or comfort are constantly pushed to the background;
• External partners who create tension — especially when they are unaware of the rules or when they try to change the format of the relationship;
• Emotional isolation, secrets, or the accumulation of resentment over time.

Jealousy and emotional discomfort are natural — especially in a culture where monogamy is the norm. That’s why regular and honest emotional check-ins between partners are crucial. Talking about your fears, hurts, and needs — no matter how vulnerable you feel at the time — is not just important, it’s critically important to maintaining connection and trust.

► If you notice that communication has become significantly more difficult or conflict is escalating, engaging a sex-positive psychotherapist can help you better manage this process.

Source: Choosing Therapy