Warning: +18 content. This article is intended only for readers over the age of 18 who are interested in educational information about mutual masturbation. The purpose of this material is to provide interested readers with reliable information about safe and consensual sexual practices. Please note that this article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical analysis or advice.

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Masturbation is often thought of as a solo act — something personal, private, and rarely discussed. But it doesn’t have to be that way. When shared with a partner, masturbation becomes so much more — a safe and cognitive space to explore intimacy, communication, and mutual pleasure.

Mutual Masturbation (or “joint masturbation”) is the practice of pleasuring yourself while your partner does the same. It allows both people to fully experience their own bodies and the processes occurring within them, while simultaneously seeing and appreciating the other person’s. This can happen in the same space, over video chat, or even just over voice — the main thing is what is comfortable for you and your partner.

► Actually, mutual masturbation has two meanings: it can refer to both masturbating together and masturbating to each other. In this article, we will only talk about mutual masturbation.

Whether you’re in a long-term relationship, just starting to explore a new connection, or have a long-distance relationship, mutual masturbation is a great alternative to traditional sexual scenarios. It focuses on consent, pleasure, and vulnerability. It doesn’t require performance, but rather creates a space where you can be honest and genuine without pressure.

This article is a short guide to understanding exactly what mutual masturbation means, why it’s important, and how it can be explored with pleasure, respect, and authenticity.

What is (and what is not) mutual masturbation?

Mutual masturbation means pleasuring yourself in the presence of your partner—whether it’s lying side by side, watching each other on a video camera, or sharing intimate sounds over the phone. This activity is often misunderstood, ridiculed, or ignored, but in fact, it can be one of the most profound, comfortable, and validating forms of partnership.

At its core, mutual masturbation is not about technique or performance, but about being together, in space and with each other. You are not doing anything to each other, but rather seeing, learning, and allowing yourself to be seen in a state of unfiltered, unfiltered desire.

This is:

A shared experience in which both partners explore pleasure alongside each other;
A chance to see what turns your partner on — and be seen enjoying yourself;
An alternative (or addition) to other types of sexual activity, especially when penetration is impossible, undesirable, or unsafe;
A way to increase sexual communication and body confidence with less pressure.

This is not:

“For teens only” or a “substitute” for “real” sex;
A less important form of intimacy — in fact, it can deepen the emotional connection even more;
Tailored to only one gender, sexual orientation, body type, or relationship style;
Shameful or selfish — on the contrary, it is collaborative, consensual, and sometimes therapeutic, even healing.

For some, mutual masturbation is a way to explore one’s desires without the pressure of performance that often characterizes other forms of sexual intercourse. For others, it is a kind of foreplay — intimacy before sex — a way to maintain intimacy in a long-distance relationship, or simply a safe sexual practice that does not carry the risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Whatever the reason, mutual masturbation can be an act of autonomy and intimacy at the same time.

Why is mutual masturbation important?

In a culture where sex is often presented as a goal-oriented process — with an emphasis on penetration, orgasm, or performance—mutual masturbation offers partners a completely different experience. It puts pleasure before pressure, curiosity before script, and intimacy before expectations.

At its best, it deepens the bond between partners not only physically, but also emotionally and psychologically. Mutual masturbation:

Increases emotional safety — Expressing your pleasure without physical contact requires trust. You invite your partner into an intimate space where you are not “acting,” but showing something real. This honesty creates safety, reduces feelings of shame, and increases emotional intimacy.
Enhances sexual communication — The easiest way to show someone exactly what gives you pleasure is to show it directly. In a way, mutual masturbation is a form of bodily dialogue that can help you have more confident and satisfying sex with your partner in the future, as well as reduce misunderstandings or awkwardness;
Validates individual pleasure in a relationship — Too often, masturbation is associated with shame or secrecy, especially in relationships, because there is a common misconception that you can’t masturbate while in a relationship. But when masturbation is taken out of the space of secrecy and shared with a partner, it becomes an act of self-love that doesn’t contradict the relationship, but rather strengthens it;
Inclusive and adaptable — If you have physical or other factors that prevent you from engaging in penetrative sex or other sexual activity (e.g., physical disabilities, gender dysphoria, chronic pain) or are simply in a long-distance relationship, mutual masturbation can be a low-pressure, high-pleasure way to maintain an intimate connection. There is no “right” body or “right” way — there is only what feels pleasurable, safe, and authentic for you and your partner.

How to talk to your partner about mutual masturbation?

Even in the most open and direct relationships, talking about new sexual experiences can be awkward or make you feel vulnerable. And since masturbation is still a taboo subject for many people, mutual masturbation may be a foreign concept or, at the very least, be accompanied by a sense of internalized shame.

But it doesn’t have to be awkward to talk about it. On the contrary, talking about it can become an important part of the bond you build together. If you want to talk to your partner about mutual masturbation:

Start with curiosity, not pressure — approach the topic as something you’re interested in exploring, not something you’re asking for or expecting. An introduction to this might sound like this:
- “I recently read an interesting article about mutual masturbation and how it can increase intimacy in a relationship — do you think we should try something like that?”
- “I really love it when I see you enjoying yourself… I was wondering if we could try masturbating together?”
- “Sometimes I imagine us lying side by side and just enjoying ourselves — without any expectations. Do you think you’d like something like that?”
List the positive aspects and reasons for your motivation — when you introduce this practice to your partner with a sense of safety, closeness, or playfulness, they may feel calmer and less tense:
- “I think it’s a quiet and easy way to get closer to each other — especially when we don’t want something more intense.”
- “I want to understand better what you enjoy — and I think you can best demonstrate it yourself.”
Give them space to feel — If your partner is unsure, hesitant, or hesitant — that’s perfectly acceptable. They may just need more time, more context, or support. You can tell them:
- “You don’t have to do anything – I just wanted us to try something new and interesting together.”
- “If you ever feel comfortable, I’d be happy to try it — but only if it’s something you want and would be enjoyable for you.”
For partners in long-distance relationships — if you’re not physically together, it may be easier to talk about mutual masturbation — as an alternative way to maintain an intimate connection when touching isn’t possible:
- “I miss you and I want to feel close to you… Do you want to try something together today, via video or phone call?”
- “I was wondering how we could become closer even when we’re far apart — maybe we could try something like this together?”

How to engage in mutual masturbation?

Mutual masturbation doesn’t require a script — all you need is the willingness of both partners, trust, and a space where both feel safe. Whether you’re in the same room or far apart, there are many ways to explore this form of intimacy.

When physically together

If you’re physically together, mutual masturbation can be a great way to slow down a bit and focus on yourself without losing touch with your partner or rushing into other types of sexual activity (like penetrative sex). Remember, mutual masturbation can also be a stand-alone, fulfilling act. You might try:

Side by side: Sit or lie down next to each other. Touch yourself while exchanging glances, breathing rhythmically, or silently encouraging each other. This is ideal if one of you is shy — you can control how intense or long the eye contact or other interaction is;
Face to face: Sit cross-legged, facing each other. This can create a deeper and more intense connection, especially if you want to include talking, making sounds, or dancing together.
Crossed bodies: One partner sits on the other’s lap, both touching their heads — this is a way to feel closeness without direct genital contact;
Mirror movements: Try repeating each other’s movements, changing the rhythm, breathing, or posture. This will transform your pleasure into a little dance.

► Additionally, to enhance this experience:

Bring lubricants and wipes.
You can include sex toys in the game.
Pay attention to lighting and music for comfort
Use pillows to support your body for more comfort and relaxation.

Virtually

If you are in a long-distance relationship or simply find physical distance more comfortable for you, you can try virtual mutual masturbation, which can also be very intimate.

► Remember to follow safety rules when engaging in any digital sexual communication, whether it’s a phone call or just texting. It’s best to only engage in such communication with people you truly trust. Agree in advance whether anything can be filmed, downloaded, or saved, and make sure you’re communicating with each other from a device or app that’s secure. For more information on digital safety, read our article What is sexting? — Tips for Safe Sexting .

Ideas for video contact:

Camera angle — Position your phone or laptop so your partner can see you clearly. Try:
- Sitting on cushions
- Kneeling on the bed
- Lying down with the camera looking down at you
- Lifting one leg for a different view

► Feel free to change your posture. The key is comfort, not perfection.

Play with sex toys together — If you both have sex toys, use them together. This is a great way to have fun and increase intimacy at the same time. Some sex toys also have the ability to be controlled from a mobile app, for example, by your partner. Try:
Repeating each other’s movements
Turn-based play
Showing what you enjoy most

Verbal connection — Talk to each other and tell each other what you’re doing, how you’re feeling, or even give each other some directions, within your comfort zone. Sometimes even the simplest phrases — or even the sound of breathing, moaning, or laughing — can be a great way to be intimate, without any pressure.

Ideas for voice-only contact:

Erotic storytelling — describe to your partner what you are doing, share a sexual fantasy, or ask them to describe what they are doing or what they would like. Be natural and speak in your own words — this is better than any pre-written script;
Sensory play — Close your eyes and focus on sound, rhythm, and breathing. Link your movements to your partner’s sound or breathing and experience a deep, invisible connection.

► Whatever the situation, remember:

Laughter, silence, or awkwardness — it’s all normal.
There’s no need to rush to reach orgasm — the key to this activity is being together and with each other.
Mutual masturbation is a cognitive process, not a performance.

Common myths and misconceptions

Mutual masturbation is one of the most natural and accessible intimate practices — yet there is still shame, confusion, and stereotypes surrounding it.

Myth #1: “This isn’t real sex”

Many people are taught — directly or indirectly — that sex only “counts” if it involves penetration. But this view ignores a multitude of real, deep, and intimate experiences, especially for queer people, people with disabilities, or those exploring “nontraditional” ways to connect.

Truth: Any activity that involves mutual intimate pleasure, consent, and connection is sex. Mutual masturbation is no less important or less real — for many, in fact, it can be more vulnerable and even real.

Myth #2: “This is only for those who aren’t ready for more”

Some people think that mutual masturbation is only for teenagers or new relationships where partners are “not ready” for penetration. But this approach simply makes mutual masturbation a stage in the relationship, not a full-fledged, independent experience.

Truth: Mutual masturbation isn’t a temporary replacement—it’s a conscious choice. Many couples—of all ages and experiences—use it to bond, relax, or enjoy pleasure without too much pressure. It’s especially important when one or both partners want a more gentle or non-penetrative connection.

Myth #3: “Watching yourself or someone else masturbate is weird and embarrassing”

Years of silence about masturbation have conditioned many of us to believe that we should be ashamed or not watch or see such things.

Truth: There is no shame in consensual sexual and intimate experiences. Watching your partner masturbate can give you a better look into their intimate inner world, and showing them the same takes a lot of courage, trust, and vulnerability.

Myth #4: “It’s only suitable for same-sex couples or specific orientations”

Because mutual masturbation does not conform to heteronormative sexual scenarios, there is a stereotype that it is “not for everyone.”

Truth: Mutual masturbation is for anyone who enjoys sharing pleasure — regardless of gender, anatomy, or sexual orientation. All it takes is curiosity, trust, and consent.

Mutual masturbation is often considered one of the safest ways to share sexual pleasure — and for good reason. It doesn’t require physical penetration, and since you’re not touching each other’s bodily fluids, the risk of spreading sexually transmitted infections (STIs) is minimal. But safety isn’t just about biology — it also involves emotional trust and clear communication.

Consent is ongoing, enthusiastic, and reversible. As with any other sexual act, consent must be freely given (without coercion), clearly expressed, and can be withdrawn at any time. Mutual masturbation may seem “less risky,” but it requires just as much clear and direct communication as other sexual activities.

Check before you start: “Would you be comfortable trying this?”
Check in on the process: “Do you want us to continue or change something?”
Respect boundaries: Especially when it comes to looking, filming, or touching.

Emotional readiness is important. Showing someone how to self-pleasure works can be very difficult — not everyone is ready for it, and that’s completely normal. Ask yourself:

Do I feel safe around this person? Do I feel respected?
Is it okay for me if this activity doesn’t lead to orgasm? Or if I feel uncomfortable in the process?
Am I doing this because I really want to or because I feel obligated?

If you’re unsure about any of the answers, stop the process. There’s no one “right” time to try mutual masturbation—all that matters is the mutual comfort and pleasure of you and your partner.

Limits for virtual entertainment

If you are communicating via video or voice call, be sure to set boundaries in advance, such as:

Should recording or taking a screenshot (so-called “screenshot”) be allowed — unless you agree to it in advance and clearly, it should not be allowed;
How will you protect your privacy — closed applications, the absence of other people in the physical or virtual space, etc.
What types of speech or visual details will give you a feeling of comfort and warmth, and not — during performing it?

Tips for mutual masturbation

Whether you’re trying mutual masturbation for the first time or you’ve already tried it, small changes can significantly enhance your experience — emotionally, physically, and sensually.

Create the right atmosphere

Create a space that is relaxing, private, and pressure-free. For example, you might find it helpful to:

Dim the lights or light candles
Turn on your favorite music (for example, instrumental or ambient)
Creating support for the body with soft fabrics, blankets, or pillows
Turn off notifications on your mobile phone to stay fully engaged in the process.

Transforming the space into a more ritualistic experience can help you calm down and personalize the experience so it feels less rushed or awkward.

Try mirroring movements or illustrating desires.

Take turns showing or describing to each other what you enjoy. You can even mimic each other’s movements if you want to get into each other’s rhythm and strengthen your connection. Try phrases like:

“I want to see how you like to touch yourself.”
“Can I touch myself the way I think you would touch me?”
“Would you like to show/tell me what you’re thinking about right now?”

Engage more senses

Mutual masturbation doesn’t have to be just about sight. You can deepen the experience by adding different sensations:

Voice: Sighs, breathing, or verbal descriptions, questions, or instructions (if both are comfortable with this)
Scent: Essential oils or body lotions that you both love
Touch: Sex toys, soft fabrics, or eye contact
Temperature: Ice cubes, warm hands, or warm massage oil

Use sex toys or other devices

Sex toys can add extra excitement and variety, especially if you’re long-distance or want to try something new:

Vibrators, artificial vaginas, or anal plugs
Lubricants (by smell, feel or taste)
Toys that can be controlled remotely
Pillows or special stands for comfort

Explore fantasies (lightly)

Mutual masturbation can be a safe and natural way to share fantasies. You can try role-playing, costumes, or story-telling — but only if it feels natural and enjoyable for both of you.

► Ultimately, the goal of mutual masturbation is not to orgasm, impress, or perform. The goal is to create a genuine and safe connection that helps you discover what turns you both on.

Frequently Asked Questions

When you’re exploring something new — especially something intimate — it’s natural to feel nervous and have questions or inner resistance. This is completely normal. You don’t need to be completely confident or “ready” to get started—curiosity, caring, and acceptance are all that’s needed.

Let’s look at some common feelings that may arise during this time — and remind you: you are not alone in this.

“What should I do if I’m worried about being watched?”

This is completely normal. Showing yourself to someone while masturbating can make you feel very insecure, especially if it’s your first time. Here are some tips to help you get over it:

Start in dim, soft lighting or wrapped in a comfortable blanket to feel more secure.
Maintain eye contact as desired or simply close your eyes.
Explain to your partner how you feel and ask for support.

For intimacy, it’s important to be authentic, even when the truth involves anxiety.

“Can I turn off the light?”

Of course. You don’t have to be completely visible. If darkness helps you relax and feel more comfortable, that’s the best choice.

Some couples use darkness to explore sounds, sensations, and each other’s presence even more deeply.

“Can I just watch at first?”

Yes. Watching your partner, with their consent — even without direct involvement — can still be a deep, erotic, and bonding experience. It still gives you space and trust.

Over time, you may feel more comfortable and want to get involved, but there’s no rush. Give yourself permission to go at your own pace.

“What if I start and want to stop?”

This is also completely normal. Consent is always ongoing and reversible. You can stop, temporarily or completely, switch to another activity, or simply ask your partner for a hug. To express this gently, you can say:

“I like that we’re starting, but I think I want to slow down a bit.”
“Maybe we could just lie down and hug for a while?”
“I really liked it and I want to try it again in the future.”

There is no such thing as “failure” in intimacy. Listening to your body is always a victory.

► This is your experience. You decide when, how, and at what pace to move. Whether you start slowly and incrementally or throw yourself headfirst into the process, the most important thing is that you feel comfortable.

Source: Healthline