“I’m so immersed in this everyday life and routine that I don’t have time for myself anymore. Not even for writing, not even for loving myself… If I have two minutes left, I lay down, thinking about taking a break, but it’s time to pick up the child from kindergarten, it’s time for them to do homework, I have food to cook,” Nutsa Tskimanauri tells us, talking about the labor of motherhood.

In many cases, the image of motherhood is glamorized and stereotyped — various industries constantly present us with happy mothers who have carefree lives, and those around us seem to carefully hide from us that having a child, along with joy, can also be stressful. Moreover, due to the changes taking place in the body, this joy and happiness may not come for a long time, which is why many mothers begin to blame themselves.

Motherhood is rarely considered work because it is invisible and intertwined with everyday life. However, it combines both physical and mental and emotional labor. We should not forget about domestic work, which is usually the burden of women and is often intertwined with motherhood.

► Read more about this topic in our article: What Is Home Labor and What Are Women’s Experiences?

Mothers’ physical labor may be more visible than their mental and emotional labor. For example, cleaning the house, cooking, or washing dishes is more visible than providing moral support to their children, caring for their emotional stability, education, and development.

Due to the volume of this work and the stereotypes that exist in society, many women are forced to give up education or a career. And those who do not do this, as a rule, have to do both, because the entire burden of parenthood and domestic work falls on them. Along with the employment of women, it would be logical to rethink the roles of men as “breadwinners” and women as “housewives”, to distribute labor in families, although most often, when employed women complete a standard working day, they have a second job at home in the form of domestic work and motherhood.

“I also need to rest and not let my mind wander constantly at night,” — Nutsa

Mothers, who have to take care of their children and family while performing their professional activities, rush to schools/kindergartens during their breaks or after work to pick up their children, asking them how their day went and trying to support them emotionally. Those who return home are faced with household chores, including tidying up their children, taking care of their meals, participating in the preparation of lessons with them, thinking about their entertainment, and conducting their bedtime rituals in the evening.

Every woman’s experience of motherhood is individual and different, but there are many things in common. Aprili Media spoke to two mothers on this topic — journalist Tamta Janadze and mountain guide Nutsa Tskimanauri.

Experiences of Mothers

“Motherhood is a job for without a leave, where no one pays you and which never ends, neither day nor night. You can never rest,” says Tamta Janadze, a mother of three.

Her morning starts at 7:00 a.m. — “If I can get everything done, I’ll run from room to room, not even walk.” — She has to take one child to school and the twins to kindergarten, before that she has to prepare food that she will take the child to school. After returning home, she has to tidy up, wash, and take care of dinner. When the eldest child comes back from school, she takes him to various classes, then takes the twins out of kindergarten, and so on.

“Mothers, in fact, can’t rest. The household routine, the housework, is such thankless work… You do something all day and in the evening you realize that you haven’t done much, but you can’t breathe from exhaustion, you feel so bad,” says Tamta.

Nutsa Tskimanauri has two children: boys aged 4 and 9. One goes to school, the other to kindergarten. She says she tries to teach them to understand the division of labor, planning, and the importance of invisible labor so that they can be more independent in the future and not have to be “dragged” by women.

Along with the daily routine, it highlights, for example, holidays, the organization of which is still the responsibility of mothers — “children’s birthdays, balloons, ordering a cake…”. Added to this is planning holidays or vacations — “where should we go, how much is our budget, etc.”

“Society constantly asks you to be very strong and does nothing to make you stronger,” — Tamta

“When we go somewhere, besides packing my things, one child, another child, two cats, husband… and then I think: Did I leave anything turned on at home? Did I really turn it off? In the end, I don’t even want to rest anymore.”

One of the main things Tamta points out is preparing children for socialization — learning how to relate to each other and the outside world.

“I have three little humans. Among them, two humans of the same age who constantly demand double attention from me, double motherhood, and not to mention the fact that the eldest is very jealous and they are constantly in competition. All three have different interests, all three need a different approach, and all three require me to be a mother only to them. Leaving aside the physical labor, motherhood is such an emotional burden…

“All this leaves the mother virtually no personal space. This is a very serious stress, because mothers definitely need at least a small, unobstructed space where we can let loose, go with friends, relax a little, and unwind, so that later we can devote ourselves to our children better and more productively.”

Nutsa also talks about the importance of rest. She notes that she often refrained from it because she felt guilty, as if she was depriving her children of something.

“After having children, my whole life has turned upside down and my priorities have shifted. When friends go out for fun, I often have the opportunity to go, but I have to hold back because I can’t help myself from constantly feeling guilty, as if I’m missing out on something for my children and could be doing more.”

When I go for my own pleasure, and this happens very rarely, I always have the feeling that now if I spend my own money, for example, if I buy ice cream for myself, instead of 3 Lari, I will buy a 90-Tetri one and give the rest to my children. Or, I won’t do something for myself, I will save that money and go on a trip together, etc. Parents constantly have this feeling, no matter what we do. I know that we still work for our children, we struggle for our children, but we will probably never get rid of this feeling of guilt – aren’t we depriving our children of something?

“A tired mother cannot be a good mother. A tired mother will definitely make mistakes, she will definitely raise her voice with her child,” — Tamta

There have been times when she has even taken time for herself — she has left a gathering of friends early to spend more time with her children, hugging them. They grow up so fast and that time will never come back.

“On the other hand, sometimes I also think that as fast as they grow up, I’m also getting older. I want to embrace this period, my youth, my innocence, and my beauty, but sometimes the environment doesn’t help me. There’s always that annoying feeling that you’re going out for fun, leaving your children behind.”

Tamta is a journalist and has worked in this field for 18 years. Despite the stressful job, she often felt like she was resting there.

“It’s funny when a journalist says she’s taking a break from work, because it’s a very serious, tiring, responsible, and stressful profession, but motherhood is no less difficult, stressful, and tiring.”

According to her, in general, it is accepted in our society that “motherhood is a great happiness, joy, love, and no one talks about the fact that all this, at the same time, is a very serious, tiring routine, sometimes unbearable”. Tamta emphasizes that sometimes this work can be such a burden that one person cannot cope with it. Therefore, she believes that in addition to the father’s involvement, which is his personal duty, a support system is also important.

Speaking about emotional and mental work, Tamta emphasizes that you should always be ready to answer children’s questions. She jokes that you can’t get away with it like politicians try to avoid journalists’ questions and answer something else — “They will interrogate you very thoroughly, they will not forgive you for cheating, so that you can get away with it a little easier. If they don’t satisfy you with an answer, they will tell you in great disappointment: “Mom, you don’t know this, right?” All of this is fun too, but it requires serious psychological preparation.”

“Motherhood is active work from the moment I open my eyes in the morning until I close them in the evening. For me, it continues even in my sleep, especially given the current socio-political background” — Nutsa

Another issue that both Tamta and Nutsa are particularly concerned about is the safety of their children. They both talk about children’s spaces, streets, and squares that are not child-friendly and where children may be in danger.

“When I take my children to the park to run, relax, and rest… their rest means my tension, my excessive attention,” Tamta notes, explaining that we do not live in a protected and safe environment, which is why you need to constantly pay extra attention — “so that a child does not slip on a damaged parts of playgrounds and get hurt, does not touch a used needle, or does not run into a stray dog that could bite them. Danger lurks everywhere.”

 

Nutsa says we would be a much better society if we were more empathetic and cared about other people’s children as much as we cared about our own. In her opinion, parenthood is not just about making sure your child is fed — part of the invisible work is the constant stress and tension over their safety.

“When we go out to a recreational area, us, parents, are always nervous, making sure that there is no power outage, a tree doesn’t fall on the child, something doesn’t trip them, and there isn’t a nail or pipe there. Every parent has experienced these moments.”

“We can’t have our children holding our hand all the time, we need to raise them to be independent individuals, and if we want them to become good citizens and good people, we need to let them go, but they need to reach this independence alive and healthy. Today, my primary task as a parent is to survive both physically and emotionally until better times come.”

My eldest son, 9 years old, has been going to school on his own for a year now. I am constantly tense until 12:45 comes and I call him to say that he has arrived home safely from school. There is a crossing on the road, where there is a crosswalk and a traffic light, but accidents happen very often, so I am constantly tense.

Another problem Nutsa highlights is the lack of schools, which means that there are several different shifts and children may start classes in the afternoon. However, according to Nutsa, neither schools nor kindergartens are adjusted to parents’ working hours.

“What should a working parent do at this time? Then they have to hire a nanny, which is also related to finances. The parent has a lot of expenses that they need to work to cover. How can they work under such conditions?”

When Tamta searched the Internet for various materials about the difficulties of motherhood, she couldn’t find much in Georgian — mostly it was conversations about how happy parenthood is, but there was little talk about the problems. She says she couldn’t find what path a mother goes through, from “go and have a child” to “well, what did you think would happen?” That’s why she created a YouTube channel about a month ago called “My Unbearable Family“. The title is humorous and tries to talk about issues “that women either cover up or avoid talking about altogether,” both humorously and seriously.

“But, we all go through this. At first, everyone tells us that we should have children, that everyone is on our side, and then you find out that you are alone and instead of the cuddly, cute baby in the Pampers commercials, you have a small, whiny creature who can’t do anything; who demands attention from you day and night, takes away the last remnants of your energy, and at this time, society somehow considers it your sole responsibility. And if your husband is involved, it is his good will and he is “helping you” — that is, he will not fulfill his own duty as a father, but, “helping you” and that is good, “what did you think”.

“I work too. I worked, I came home tired, then I cooked, I did the laundry, I put the dishes away, I cleaned the house, I wrote down the menu, I planned the next day, I put out clothes for the children… They tell me I have energy. I don’t have energy, I just have no other choice,” — Nutsa

Nutsa says that people around her often say that her husband is a good father, involved in raising children and other matters, as if this should not be the case and that the responsibility for the children lies solely with the mother. At the same time, she says that despite this, men often need to be given so many instructions that women prefer to do specific tasks themselves, because giving these instructions are no less tiring.

 

“You should give men detailed instructions and post them somewhere on the fridge, but then you should also text them on your phone so they don’t forget something, otherwise they might take their child out of kindergarten wearing another child’s shoes or T-shirt. That’s why sometimes we prefer to do it ourselves. In school and kindergarten chats, in 99.9% of cases, mothers are involved in everyday matters, fathers for some reason decided to not take part in it, they say, “you women know these things”. However, we can also grill barbecue on school trips…”

“It is important to learn how to react to mistakes made with our children. Motherhood is a constant challenge. It is not like you are a good mother and that is all. Sometimes you make mistakes, sometimes you do things well. You need help with all of this, sometimes even professional help,” — Tamta

Speaking about the public’s attitude, Nutsa recalls two stories that had a special impact on her. In the first case, during the opening of the Adventure Tourism School, her friends decided to take these courses and wanted to get into the first stream. After the birth of her child, Nutsa accidentally discovered that the semester had already started and her friends were also a part of it.

“When I asked, ‘Why didn’t you tell me? I thought we were going to go together,’ they said, ‘You had a child and we thought you didn’t want it anymore.'”

She gave birth to her second child during the pandemic,  which made the situation even more difficult. She says that a year after giving birth, she decided to get back on her feet and continue guiding — “I also wanted to go on a trail survey, and when I called, they asked me, ‘what are you going to do with your kids?,’ which made me really sad.”

“My children have never interfered with my work. As a professional in my field, I know where the line is between work and family, and my work has never suffered because of my family. Men are never asked if they have children and how they will handle work issues, while women are constantly asked: What if your child gets sick? Oh, you have two children? I don’t think I can take you [to work], etc.”

“Mothers may not ask for help, but they need help,” — Tamta

Tamta says it is important for women who are planning to have children and think they are ready for motherhood to have more information, and the involvement of family members and friends also plays a big role in this. She also recalls her personal experience – she was 33 when she gave birth to her long-awaited 4-year-old son and thought she was completely ready for it, but she had a very difficult time dealing with postpartum depression, which she only gave a name to a few months later.

“I thought I was informed, I was reading things, but it turned out I didn’t know anything. After 4 years, my long-awaited baby was born and I was very sick. Not because I was a bad girl or a bad mother — at this time, a woman’s body undergoes great changes and there needs to be someone who will tell you that all this is normal, it will pass, everything will be fine. A mother who has postpartum depression needs to be told that she is not alone, that we have been through this too and it will pass. That motherhood is not just about feelings decorated with pink fluff and associated with love.”