“Wait, I think I’ve changed my mind! I want to have children when I’m a little older,” says my childhood friend, with whom I shared, along with many other life choices, the decision not to have children.
To be honest, I’m not surprised. As life changes, many of my friends have changed their minds not only about having children, but also about other fundamental issues. However, in each case like this, I have a doubt deep inside my heart – are those people who told me when I was a teenager and after that, that I would want to have children as I got older, actually right?! But along with this doubt, my firm choice continues to exist, because in almost 25 years I have never had an instance where I imagined myself as a parent.
As selfish as it may sound, this recent decision by my friend made me feel a little lonely — at a time when family and society are passionately opposing gaining full autonomy over your own body, gathering like-minded people can be a lifesaver in many ways. Putting my unique case aside, we can refer to relevant studies to get a more or less complete picture:
► According to a 2024 survey by Pew Research Center, 64% of women aged 18-49 living in the United States think they will not have children in the future.
There has not yet been a large-scale study conducted in Georgia on this issue. In our article, we will introduce you to three different women who share their experiences of not having children and their experiences of making their own choices. One of the respondents tells her story anonymously, for a reason that will probably be familiar to some readers — in our already stressful everyday lives, we have to hide parts of ourselves from people for whom this is unacceptable.
Different Reasons for not Having Children
The first thing people are interested in when they hear that you don’t want to have children is the reason for this decision — for most of them, the socio-economic and political situation is not enough, and they try to find something specific, so that they can then try to neutralize it with various comments.
“In my early teens, when there are only borders around you and you don’t know much, I thought it was standard that I should get married and have children. That was the last moment when I thought about having children. I think I’ve been saying since I was 20-21 that I wasn’t going to have children. I’m turning 35 this year. They kept telling me, you’ll grow up and change your mind, you’re still young. I’m waiting for that,” says Tao, sharing that there was simply no moment in her life when she wanted to be a mother.
The same experience is shared by 35-year-old Keti, who has never wanted to have children at any stage of her life and recalls the example of her friends: “I never wanted to have children, neither as a teenager nor as a student, when girls dream of happiness and the formula for happiness, in most cases, involves getting married and having children, they would even think of names for the children. I remember them taking pictures with a pillow hidden under their shirts… I would never participate in such fun or conversations, it was unacceptable.”
When Irinka [name was changed] realized that motherhood is a choice, not a given, she began to think about the issue in many ways. She has several subjective and objective reasons for not wanting to have children: “The first reason is our country and the constant feeling of insecurity. It is obvious that our state does not care about children.”
“I don’t want to have a child and be afraid of their death every moment. They could fall into a fountain, fall off a collapsed bridge, go to a village and get caught in a landslide, and there’s nothing I can do to protect them.”
For Irinka, the second reason is financial instability — her current income is only enough because she lives with her family and doesn’t have to pay rent.
When talking about the difficulties of having a child, Tao also mentions material deprivation: “To be honest, I’m more surprised that some people in this country have children, because it is associated with incredible difficulties. Nothing is adapted for children, I don’t know how they manage medical expenses. Kudos to these people!”
Another reason people give for not having children in a Pew Research Center survey is “concern for the environment.” The philosophical view of not having children in order to reduce harm to the environment and other living things is also considered antinatalism, which is characterized by both unconditional and conditional approaches. At the same time, this position also considers many other reasons for not bringing new people to the planet. For example, antinatalists argue that having children is unethical because an unborn child cannot consent to life, especially one that involves some degree of suffering.
Attitude of Family Members and Relatives
It is not surprising that a patriarchal society, where women still have to fight for fundamental rights, has difficulty coming to terms with the fact that women refuse to participate in the reproductive process and combine the role of mother, on which many stereotypical and toxic views in Georgian everyday life are based.
Women who publicly or even in a small circle of relatives state that they do not want to have children have to not only explain the reasons for this decision, but also listen to other people’s opinions on the matter. In many cases, these comments are not very pleasant. For example, Irinka recalls one of the cases when she mentioned to her mother that she did not intend to have children:
“She said a lot of bad things to me. The most heartbreaking comment was: ‘What would be the point of your life without a child?’ I can’t even describe how much pain that comment caused me. It was as if I only had value as a person if I had a child. If I didn’t fulfill this ‘mission’ then I was nothing and my good qualities, my achievements, my dreams — nothing that makes me human—were worth anything.”
Keti’s discomfort is mainly caused by her relatives: “After greeting and asking questions, they first start scolding me about this topic, then giving me advice, saying that I’m too old, that I should think about the “end”, that I’ll need a caretaker in my old age, that we should have children, etc. They sometimes sound a little condescending because they think I’m unhappy. For them, happiness is equal to family and children. When they wish you happiness, that’s exactly what they mean, but none of them are happy.”
As Keti says, for people around them, a child represents someone who will take care of them in their old age. Tao has heard this argument many times, but in general, she has a different opinion about aging in Georgia. According to Tao, if a person is lucky enough to reach old age in this country, then they will be busy taking care of their grandchildren, and if they are not lucky enough, in order to support themselves, he will have to engage in activities such as street trading. “Just as having a child is unthinkable for me in this country, so is old age,” says Tao, recalling her first visit to Europe, where she saw middle-aged people walking around and sitting in cafes for the first time, as she had never seen anything like this in Georgia before.
► Another argument is the “maternal instinct,” which, according to popular belief, all women have, however, various studies prove that caring for a child is not purely instinctive, but a skill developed through interaction with it — for example, fathers recognize and pick out the cries of their children just as well as mothers.
“The ‘mother’s sixth sense’ for a child and the knowledge of what they need comes from a strong closeness and deep love, through many hours spent with and thinking about the child,” says Dr. Catherine Monk, a psychologist and professor of medical psychology in the departments of psychiatry and obstetrics and gynecology at Columbia University Medical Center.
Tao shares the same idea: “The maternal instinct is not that mothers have some superpower, it’s just that for centuries fathers have not been involved in raising children, otherwise the paternal instinct would also exist. I am sure that those fathers who truly fulfill the role of fathers have those instincts — they know what is wrong with the child.”
Friends and Different Decisions
While family members and relatives may have different opinions from us, our circle of friends is made up mostly of people with whom we share common values. Keti, Irinka, and Tao’s friends know full well that they don’t want to have children in the future.
“We never argue about this topic because we respect each other’s decisions. I love children, so when my friends have children, I know I will be very happy to be involved in their lives,” says Irinka. “Raising a child is very difficult and a huge responsibility, so I am ready to adapt to the changed everyday life of my friends as much as possible.”
Tao has noticed over the years that her choice makes other people think that she doesn’t like children, when in reality it’s the exact opposite: “I don’t want my decision to be tied to that, because I’m crazy about children. I can play and talk to all my friends’ children and other people’s children for hours, of course, with their permission. I always say that yes, I love children, and no, I don’t want mine.”
Freedom of Choice as “Selfishness”
A woman’s choice to devote her entire life to herself and her other interests has been repeatedly criticized as selfish. Irinka has also been called selfish, however, for her this decision carries completely opposite values. She does not want to give birth to a child in a reality where she cannot provide everything and create a safe environment for them, which is not completely dependent on her: “For me, those people are not selfish who refuse to have children for the sake of their own well-being, but those who give birth to children and then try to live their lives, influencing them with their own dreams, or in the worst case – doom them to hunger and violence.”
Of course, there are women who did not even have the freedom of choice. As an example of such a woman, Irinka cites her mother, who grew up in a poor family in the Soviet Union, and therefore did not really have the opportunities that women living in the modern era have:
“When she got married, no one probably asked her if she wanted children at all. If she had had the freedom to choose, she might have chosen a completely different life, and my decision reminds me of all of that even more. I don’t want to hurt my mother’s feelings, so when she talks to me about getting married and having children, I just shrug my shoulders and prefer to remain silent.”
Other Sources of Happiness and Future Plans
Women can list many more reasons to explain why they don’t want to have children, but what unites all three of our respondents is a fairly simple one — it won’t bring them happiness. For example, Tao has been living alone for many years, but she doesn’t feel the need or desire for other people to be in her space. Activities such as reading books, watching movies and TV series, or playing online games bring her happiness.
“It’s hard to explain [to relatives] that something else makes you happy; that you’re not only a mean to reproduce; that it’s unthinkable that you lived in this wonderful world once and wasted your time on family matters and raising children,” says Keti.
“I want to travel, learn new languages, get a master’s degree, then do phD, and so many other things. I’m not saying that it’s impossible to make such dreams come true with a child, but I know myself and I know that I can’t. I also know that if I don’t fulfill my dreams, I’ll be angry, just like my mother and many other women were angry when they had to give up their own dreams, and now they’re trying to live their children’s lives and taking this accumulated anger out on them,” says Irinka. Every woman deserves to make her dreams come true, and no child deserves an angry mother.
Unequal Pressure towards Men and Women
The topic of not having children cannot be discussed without discussing the different attitudes of society towards women and men regarding this issue. According to Irinka, women who do not want to have children are blamed for various things, including being “brainwashed by feminism.” However, she says that if children and their well-being were a priority for this society, they would not have to go hungry in Georgia or live in an environment full of abusers.
“Society curses women for refusing to have children because they actually want to control their bodies. For centuries, this was the only function of women, and society misses the time when women had no other function, no opportunities, no education, no opportunity to express their opinions.”
“We are incubators from birth. “Future mother” — that’s how society views us,” says Tao, and believes that the pressure on men will never reach the level that women experience because of this choice. “Have you ever heard of a little boy being called a “future father”?! No. Men have many other options — “My son should become president, and this one will be a good mother.”
Keti has a different opinion. She thinks that men are under greater pressure from society, and some of them have children precisely because of this, without even having a clue what fatherhood is: “I don’t know a man who has publicly declared his desire not to have children. I don’t think they dare either. In our society, the “continuator of the family” must undoubtedly have children, no other option is even considered. An unmarried, childless man is perceived as inferior — “the country must reproduce.”
One is the attitude of society towards women’s freedom of choice and rights, and the other is that of the state. If the latter does not take care of raising awareness and improving it, it is difficult to imagine how beliefs and ideas that have been entrenched for centuries will change. However, judging by recent events, which not only Georgia, but also other countries are distinguished by, today’s world is becoming even more dangerous for women.
“Change is difficult in our pseudo-conservative society. The free choice of an individual is still a foreign, unacceptable fruit,” says Keti, adding that she sees the only way to change such attitudes in protecting borders. She is trying to change the society around her with this very approach.
Irinka also agrees with the idea that society must understand and embrace the freedom of another person’s body and private life. Tao sees the solution to not considering women only as future mothers in changing the approach to bodily autonomy, to women’s choices, including abortion. According to her, this is a fundamental right of a woman, without which we will have to live in “The Handmaid’s Tale”.
States have different attitudes towards abortion — for example, in Iran, where women’s fundamental rights are violated daily, this procedure is strictly controlled. In 2021, the country adopted a law “On Population,” according to which a woman can have an abortion only if her life or the life of the fetus is in danger. However, even in this case, permission must be granted by a judge, a court-appointed doctor, and a team of experts. At the same time, contraceptives are no longer available for free in pharmacies and health centers, and sterilization methods such as vasectomy and tubal ligation are criminalized in the country.
In Russia, traditionally, they are not only trying to take away women’s choice, but also fighting the invented “childlessness propaganda.” Last year, in 2024, the Russian Duma supported a bill that would prohibit the dissemination of this “propaganda” in the Russian media and on the Internet. As the deputies supporting the law stated, its goal is to preserve family values, and in the case of “childlessness propaganda,” fines are provided for violators.
Abortion-related approaches have also changed in Georgia — starting January 1, 2024, women who want to have an abortion are first required to undergo a 5-day waiting period, and then consult not only with a gynecologist, but also with a psychologist and social worker. Organizations and individuals working on women’s rights and reproductive health learned about the amendment to the law only after the law was published.
Efforts to control women’s bodies and take away their choices are also being seen in developed countries like the United States, where in 2022 the Supreme Court overturned the landmark 1973 decision, Roe v. Wade, which ruled that restrictive abortion laws were unconstitutional. As a result, women around the world are fighting to shape their lives and futures the way they want, not the way society, men, or the state dictates.