Sexual fantasies are one of the most personal parts of our inner worlds — often very obvious, sometimes strange, and sometimes even unexpected. Despite how common they are, many people grow up thinking that having sexual fantasies is shameful, dangerous, or even immoral. In cultures where sexuality is tightly controlled or taboo, having such fantasies can even be seen as a personal failure.

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However, the truth is that almost everyone has sexual fantasies. Whether it’s just a fleeting image or a more elaborate scenario that plays out in the mind — sexual fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality. They’re not just about lust and desire, but can also be about power, curiosity, security, vulnerability, or even emotional healing. And they don’t always reflect what we want in real life. Sometimes fantasies are just stories — wild, erotic, symbolic stories.

In this article, we’ll explore what sexual fantasies really mean, why we have them, and how we can live with them, because there’s nothing shameful about exploring your own erotic imagination — whether you keep them a secret to yourself or share them with your partner.

What Are Sexual Fantasies?

Sexual fantasies are mental images, thoughts, or scenarios that evoke sexual or erotic arousal or excitement. They can be brief and spontaneous, like a fleeting thought, or detailed stories that play out over and over in the mind. Some fantasies are visual, while others are emotional or situational. They may involve real people, imaginary characters, or no one at all.

What makes a fantasy a fantasy is that it takes place in the imagination, not in reality. You might imagine a romantic encounter with your loved one, or a completely unrealistic and taboo scenario. Fantasies are often associated with more specific feelings than with a plot or characters — for example, a feeling of being desired, strong, submissive, free, or emotionally secure.

Fantasies can be:

Solo — imaginary scenarios that occur to us when we are alone, often while masturbating or lost in thought;
Shared — fantasies that are discussed or played out with a partner (obviously, with consent);
Symbolic — which should be understood figuratively and express some deeper theme (for example: control, trust, risk in a protected environment).

We all have different fantasies, and often a diverse range of them — some gentle, some intense, some more fun, and some maybe even dark. There is no “right” way to fantasize, nor is it necessary to assign any particular meaning to what turns you on.

Is It Normal to Have Sexual Fantasies?

Yes. Having sexual fantasies is not only normal, it’s almost universal.

Studies consistently show that most people, regardless of gender or sexual identity, have sexual fantasies. Some fantasize daily, others only occasionally, but it’s a completely natural part of human sexuality. Moreover, a lack of sexual fantasies can indicate stress, trauma, or certain health problems — not the other way around.

In one large study, more than 90% of people reported having sexual fantasies. The most common themes were intimacy, adventure, power play, and new things. It’s also important to note that many people fantasize about things they would never actually do — and that’s perfectly acceptable. Fantasizing doesn’t mean intending to.

The question is: Why, then, do so many people feel embarrassed or ashamed about fantasies? The point is that the society we live in strictly controls sexual desires — especially for women, queer people, and anyone whose source of arousal does not fit into the “norm.” We are taught that some fantasies are “excessive,” “dirty,” or simply “wrong” — even when they are only in our imagination — and this leads to unnecessary shame or secrecy.

The truth is, however, that fantasies do not define your morals, values, or identity. They are expressions, not revelations. Fantasies often show us what excites, comforts, or empowers us — not what we would do in real life without consent. That’s why fantasies are perfectly normal. What matters is not whether you have them, but how you approach them: with interest and self-love, or with fear and shame.

Why Do We Have Sexual Fantasies?

Sexual fantasies serve many psychological, emotional, and physiological purposes. They indicate not only desire, but also imagination, emotion, control, and sometimes healing.

Below are some key reasons why we have sexual fantasies:

Exploring Desires — Fantasies allow us to safely explore what excites us — even when we’re not ready or willing to do so in real life. They help us better understand our preferences, sources of arousal, and curiosities, without any judgment or harm;
Emotional or psychological self-expression — Fantasies often express unmet emotional needs, such as feeling desirable or powerful, being cared for, or being free. For example, when someone feels neglected, they may fantasize about someone wooing and worshipping them;
Control in a safe space — Fantasies allow us to control scenarios that might be dangerous, embarrassing, or taboo in real life. You can imagine yourself as dominant or submissive, break the rules, or take risks — with complete freedom and without real consequences;
Escape from reality and stress relief — Like dreams, fantasies can be a way to relieve emotional stress or temporarily escape. They allow us to mentally transport ourselves to a world where we feel powerful, relaxed, excited, or safe — especially when we are stressed, lonely, or bored.
Healing and Regaining Power — Sometimes fantasies serve to process pain, revisit old trauma, or regain lost power. This process is deeply personal and not always conscious — and this does not mean that the fantasy is “bad” or “wrong”;
Biological arousal and stimulation — On a physical level, sexual fantasies increase arousal and help prepare the body for sex. They are part of the brain and body’s way of communicating about their desires — even when a partner isn’t involved.

Fantasies are not always orderly and they don’t need “logic,” but they do have an “emotional logic” for the part of us that is trying to feel, explore, or escape something.

Common Themes in Sexual Fantasies

Sexual fantasies are incredibly diverse, but some common themes emerge. These common themes don’t mean that everyone has these fantasies—they simply illustrate how our imaginations often return to similar emotional landscapes: power, intimacy, newness, risk, and surrender.

Below are some themes that often appear in sexual fantasies.

Power and control

Being in a tied position, when you are immobile but completely safe;
Being in a dominant role and giving instructions to others;
A fantasy about kidnapping or arrest — in a plot-driven, agreed-upon scenario.

These fantasies often reflect a desire to completely give up control over oneself or, conversely, to have control over oneself—they do not represent a desire to receive or inflict actual harm. What is important here is the feeling of control within the fantasy, not outside it.

Taboo or forbidden scenarios

Sex with a stranger on a train, in a bar, in a park, etc.;
A secret relationship with someone who is older or has an “unavailable” status;
Sex at work, at some kind of gathering, or in a space where it is not accepted.

In such fantasies, emotional excitement is often the key — doing something “unacceptable” heightens the excitement, even though in real life we may never want to cross that line.

Many partner or group scenarios

Being the center of attention in a room full of people, where everyone is staring at you;
When you watch your partner have sex with someone else, or when you are watched while doing the same thing;
A “sex party” where everyone is available and enthusiastic, and all boundaries are agreed upon and respected.

These fantasies may express a desire for abundance, acceptance, or sexual freedom. For others, it may be a way to relieve pressure — when you are desired, you don’t have to make a choice.

Romantic or idealized relationship

A slow, sensitive intimate connection in a cabin surrounded by forest, with a thunderstorm in the background;
An unexpected massage that turns into a warm and passionate night;
A romantic reunion with a partner after a long separation in a perfect, fictional scenario.

The key to such fantasies is emotional security and the feeling that someone is really seeing us — and they can be just as erotic as other, more daring scenarios.

Transformation or role reversal

A shy person who becomes confident and dominant;
Changing gender or body and exploring intimacy with this new identity;
Transforming into a fictional character (for example: vampire, alien, nobleman), with different rules, skills, or abilities.

Such fantasies are often related to identity, liberation, and the kinds of dynamics that seem inaccessible to us in real life.

► It’s important to remember: Fantasy does not equal plan. We may be excited about something in our imagination, but we would never want it in real life. Many people are excited by scenarios they’ve never experienced outside of their imagination — and that’s completely normal.

Fantasy and Reality

One of the most common misconceptions about sexual fantasies is that they necessarily reflect what a person wants in real life. In fact, the line between fantasy and reality is both clear and important — and for most people, the two are very different.

A person may have fantasies about:

Which you never actually want to implement;
Which would be dangerous or unethical in real life;
Which is exciting only because it is imaginary;
Which gives emotional satisfaction in fantasy, but not in life.

And all of this is perfectly acceptable. For example, someone might:

Excited by fantasies in which he is dominated, but in real life prefers gentle, equal sex;
Have a fantasy of group sex, but in reality it is too much for them or they are not interested in non-monogamous relationships at all;
Like taboo topics (for example, forbidden relationships), but in real life strongly oppose them and never have the intention of implementing them.

These fantasies do not necessarily make a person dangerous, “abnormal,” or perverted. It just means that they have a creative mind and a rich inner erotic world.

Fantasies can be symbolic, exaggerated, or completely fictional. Just as we can like a horror movie but condemn the violence, or read crime fiction but not be a criminal — we can like a fantasy without wanting to act on it at all.

Of course, sometimes fantasies can inspire real experimentation — and that can be healthy, exciting, and safe, as long as it’s consensual. The key is honest communication, trust, and clear boundaries.

► Having a fantasy does not mean that we are that fantasy. It is a mental space for play, self-determination, and pleasure, not a moral value.

Talking about your sexual fantasies with your partner can feel risky and scary, or make you feel vulnerable, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. When done with care and consent, sharing fantasies can build trust, deepen intimacy, and open up new avenues for connection and fun.

But how do we do this without feeling awkward, scolded, or overwhelmed?

Start with trust, not shock.

Sexual fantasies are personal, sometimes very personal. Before sharing them with someone, ask yourself: Do I feel safe with this person? Can we explore our curiosity together without fear or shame? If the answer is yes, you can continue.

It’s not a good idea to vent your fantasies during sex or an argument. Choose a quiet, intimate moment. For example, a phrase/question like this might help you start the conversation:

“Maybe I should tell you something I sometimes imagine for fun?”
“I read an interesting article about sexual fantasies and it reminded me of something of mine…”
“Wouldn’t you like to consider what fantasies excite us, even if only in our imagination?”

Set ground rules.

Before you dive into this conversation, you can agree in advance:

Fantasies are not demands;
Everything shared remains between you only;
Any of you can say “No, thank you” without any reprimand;
Listening does not mean consent.

These conditions create space for sincerity, not commitment.

Be interested in their wishes too.

It’s not enough to just share your fantasies — give your partner the opportunity to not only listen to you, but also share them with you. You can express interest by asking questions like these or similar ones:

“Have you ever had a fantasy that you wanted to act out?”
“Do you have any fantasies that you’ve imagined but never tried?”

Often, even such simple questions show that you are interested in your partner’s inner world and desires and are ready to listen to them.

Role-playing game or reality?

Some couples really enjoy bringing their fantasies to life, while others prefer to just talk about them or visualize them during sex to heighten the excitement. There is no one “right” way. You can:

Use fantasies as part of erotic dialogue;
Try a lighter version of the fantasy (for example: light bondage instead of full domination);
Invent characters or scenarios with your partner and act them out.

Whatever you decide, it should be consensual, fun, and pressure-free.

► Sharing fantasies can be a form of intimacy in itself. You don’t necessarily have to actually act them out to enjoy them — sometimes the most erotic thing you can do is feel like your partner sees you and accepts you.

When Fantasies Cause Discomfort

Most fantasies are harmless, even if they are intense, strange, or taboo. But sometimes fantasies can cause emotional discomfort, shame, or confusion. If you feel this way, know that you are not alone, and it does not mean that there is “something wrong with you.”

Below are some common reasons why fantasies can be uncomfortable for us.

“Why do I fantasize about this?”

It is quite common to fear that fantasies may reflect a person’s morality, identity, or past. Many people think, “Does this mean I want to cheat?” or “Am I a bad person?” But, as we have already discussed, fantasies are symbolic and exaggerated, and they often have no connection to real desires.

The brain often combines themes of power, risk, and tension to trigger an arousal mechanism — this does not make these themes morally “true.”

Disturbing and unwanted fantasies

Sometimes fantasies can be distressing or out of control, especially when they occur at inappropriate times or with uncomfortable content. This may indicate anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, trauma, or unprocessed emotional material rather than your actual desires.

If fantasies become more obsessive than pleasurable, or interfere with your daily life, it may be best to talk to a sex-positive and caring psychotherapist.

Fantasies that conflict with your values

It may be difficult to accept fantasies if they conflict with your values (e.g., religious, ethical, feminist). This can create feelings of guilt or internal conflict even when you haven’t actually harmed anyone.

In such cases, we can help you:

Reminding yourself that imagination does not equal action;
Thinking about what this fantasy actually symbolizes emotionally;
Talking to a psychotherapist who is sex-positive.

You don’t have to change what turns you on, but you can learn how to live with these fantasies and how to accept yourself and your desires.

If a fantasy causes more shame than pleasure, it needs more attention, not judgment. Human sexual thoughts and desires are complex, multi-layered, and deeply human. Exploring them with curiosity and care is a way to better understand and heal ourselves, not to harm us.

Sources: Verywell Mind, Healthline, Psychology Today, Hims, WomanLog